Mom:
Hey ‘mr. i will try anything for fun’, i just heard on the news that the latest kids are doing to get drunk quick is soaking a tampon in alcohol and inserting it in the rectum. it can cause kidney failure, alcohol poisoning and death. some things are not worth the fun. PLEASE, mike, don’t try this. this is not fun.
DAD:
(while in Mexico) Calls cost 99 cents per minute, so only call if you are on fire. Texts cost us 5 cents to receive, so not a big deal. If you suspect that a personal conflagration is imminent but aren’t allowed to call since you are not literally on fire yet, then text. Emails are free, so feel free to use them entirely at your discretion, even if you are merely thinking about fires. xo
Dad:
FYI, We had a health assessment offered today at work, so I went and got checked out….results: Height 5’10”. Weight 182 (fully clothed of course). Waist 38 (note pants size is 34 so obviously their tape is off). Systolic Blood Pressure 111 - (Under 120mm HG is “desirable”). Glucose 94 - (Less than 140 mg/dL non-fasting, less than 100 mg/dL fasting). All good!
Mom:
Does this mean you have straight A’s right now?
Me:
yes it does. =)
Mom:
Holy shit girl! That’s the best news I’ve had in a long time. You have risen from the ashes as a beautiful Pheonix! I think your hawk sightings have been symbolic!
