Blind Date
- ME: Hi Mom I’m about to go meet my blind date!
- MOM: blind? does he have a guide dog?
March 2011
469 posts
Note
- Mom: Our new neighbor wrote a note to say that a kitten died in his car bumper cavity and rotted there for days.
Meatloaf and a Shot
- Mom: Meatloaf for dinner got shot in my hand
- Me: ?????
- Mom: We’re having meatloaf for dinner.
- Me: No, What happened to your hand?!?!
- Mom: Doctor put a shot in it.
:-*
- Mom: What does hooked up mean
February 2011
327 posts
Make It Easy
- Me: Did you get the fax? I know how hard typing is for you so just reply with a smiley face for yes and a sad face for no.
- Dad: :)
Benefiting Fan Page
- Mom: When you have time will you explain Twitter to me and tell me how it could benefit my boss's fan page? Thanks
Piggish
- Me: I’ve been eating like a pig.
- Mom: Your pants are gonna get tight.
Julia Child
- Me: I just made myself dinner, like pasta not just microwaved food!
- Mom: Wow…. U r so domestic!!!!
- Mom: I’ll just call u Julia childs
- Mom: Next you might bake a cake from scratch or make your bed or…… Running out of ideas!
What Horror Stories are Made Of
- Mom: Owl in garden clock fell off wall spooky
Message to Self
- MOM: message to self: never date a boy who lists partying as one of his interests on facebook
Garlic
- MOM: Hi
- ME: Hi mom how are you?
- MOM: I feel like a big garlic clove.
Goat
- Mom: </:)>
- Me: Haha what in the word is that mom?
- Mom: GOAT!
Auto-Tune The Oscars
- mom: was that the harry potter music they just played on the oscars?
The Oscars: Best Actor
- mom: newsflash… Dad is no longer scared of Javier Bardem
- mom: he says he’s “in awe” of his acting talent
The Oscars: Hosts
- Mom: I cant stand the hosts
- Mom: Wheres ricky gervais
- Mom: Omg oprah!!
- Me: calm down
The Oscars: Toy Story
- Mom: Whose dress do u like so far?
- Me: Mila Kunis
- Mom: Who is she ??
- Me: She was in Black Swan
- Mom: kk
- Mom: Toy Story Song <3
The Oscars: Sexual Being
- Mom: Marky Mark looks like a wet dream.
- Me: You disturb me.
- Mom: You need to get over it I am a sexual being dammit
The Oscars: Ultimatum
- Mom: the oscars start in five minutes, get out of the living room!
- Me: NO! why can’t you just watch it in your room?
- Mom: Because the tvs is biggr.
- Me: I was here first
- Mom: don’t make me g and pull THE BOX out from undr your bed that smells like weed
- Mom: thats right, run!
Thanks, Mom.
- Mom: Hey ru coming home soon?
- Me: I’m not sure yet, why?
- Mom: The dog just puked on ur bed and i dont wanna clean it up. if u rnt home in a bit ill just put the comforter outside. sry for opening ur door even though it was closed, he looked like he was gonna puke so i figured it would be best in ur room. luv u!
Pickles
- Dad: never thought i would like fried pickles but they are killer. HOLY CRAP
